“I wonder it is harder than I thought it to be” she sighed with a faint smile after having failed even her ‘3rd’ attempt to suicide and probably the last one too. Malini was not a person to sign it off with a lose stroke but still she couldn’t let it go out of her hair. Her swollen eyes and pale lips clearly painted the black and white phase which she was through and tentatively explained the reason behind this melodrama; she had been missing Sahil again.
Her breakup with Sahil was already a week old and was growing out to be a typhoon in her heart, juggling her emotions up and down and causing her to pulsate to a fatal frequency when she was required to put up a brave front. What was she missing the most? Well the answer to this question would end up in rolls. Why a woman who is good enough to warm a man’s bed, good enough to be a patient kisser, good enough to satisfy his highs AND lows is NOT good enough to marry him? What lets him sum up to that opinion about her when she had been filling all the ugly patches of his life? What gives him the nerve to breakup with her when she had already dreamt of a baby girl and a boy a year later than that? What gives their heart that concrete shelter where her feelings are barred and seem pointless and blunt to an extent that even a tiniest hole appears impossible? It would have been better if these questions were ever answered back.
Looking at the mirror each day, she sunk into the dark circles around her eyes and blended in her grays. The rain seemed to be unstoppable that night unless her doorbell called her attention. Briefing her grief for a while, wiping away the colorless stains off her cheeks she headed towards the door. She was too tired (of her life actually) to be a genuine good host that night and to entertain some really frolicking half drunk friends who would like to stay over to avoid being confronted by their parents. Still she dragged herself to the door. Holding the door wide open, she was trying to figure out and scan the faces through her teensy- weensy eyes which had left almost no option to see through due to their bulging edges.
“What do you want?” she carelessly questioned her guest-to-be in a fashion to bang the door on his or her face the very next second.
“We are the ones whom you would have welcomed with open hands if you had been in a condition to even recognize the face of your best friends” broke in the first female voice.
“Three shots less and you would have!!!” tore in the second.
The atmosphere inside the house was as if they have gatecrashed a funeral and have shoved the dead to step out of her coffin. The two women were horrified by Malini’s poor craggy facial topography. They were left to themselves. Silence was impossibly growing around them and making it hard to believe that a room consisting of three women was quiet. Venesa decided to unlock her chest of questions and Sambhavta decided to join after when she initiated.
“What is this suffering meant to be Malini or meant for? Are you supposed to live the rest of your life swinging in the feeble swings of dreams that he showed you or you are waiting for a magic wand that will cause him to call off his marriage and get to you? You, I and Sam, all three of us know that he is not returning back to you, he said it in your face and ours too, do you want to grind yourself to a state that you cant even recollect your remains even if you want to someday? And how long am I supposed to yell at you at this high a pitch when you know that I am expecting?
“Relax Ven, let me handle this”, Sambhavta intervened her then turning to Malini she continued,
“Look Malini, we are really worried about you, your unresponsiveness towards our calls, bunking your work and to top it all, the pile of newspapers and mails outside your doorstep really hold me hard and plead to me that you need a psychiatrist. This is not what you are Malini. This is a phase and you know it’s easy to get over; you helped me to get over my depression after I broke up. No one could have been a greater help if you wasn’t there…”
Sambhavta continued framing effective and convincing statements and Malini continued to drain into her pain and to blackout.
“Are you paying even slightest of your attention to what Sam is explaining to you?”, Venasa kicked her out of her fantasies.
It wasn’t really her fault. Love sets you daydreaming.
“Look guys”, Malini finally broke the ice, “I broke up with Sahil, or, let’s face it HE broke up with me, or even better he DUMPED me, and bearing a broken heart is like a flower without sunshine, is like a sleep without dreams and is like a cold fire. I am living an unusual life; I have lost the last fullstop and I don’t know where I left and where to start off. So I would like you to leave me to my own world where no living thing is meant to be-at least for a few days”, and she busted into tears like a helpless child.
Venasa already plunged into her childhood friend’s puzzled life took a tour to the kitchen and thought that a steaming cup of coffee would warm her colds for a brief period and Sambhavta tried calming Malini down.
After a minute later…
“Sam, just come over here”, Venasa cried out from the kitchen and after a pause she almost screamed and repeated impatiently. Sam rose up and rushed to follow Venasa’s scream and ended up in a sight of blood at the kitchen counter, Malini’s blood spilled over and a few suicide committing tools spread over out of which they weren’t quiet sure of what she might have used. Horrified, the two couldn’t resist visioning the consequences when they ran back to the drawing room where they had left Malini. Before they could have uttered a word Malini carelessly said “Don’t worry, I failed” and she fainted.
Though the series of catastrophic acts were not in favor of the wounded lady but still her chances to survive were up high. Why a strong heart like hers was under the heavy foot of fate which was crushing it over and over again? While driving her to the nearest hospital Sambhavta examined Malini’s wrist where a baneful yet curable cut was indented using a sharp tool. Malini didn’t faint of the wound but she switched off due to intensive depression.
The two ladies were anxiously waiting outside for the Doctor to detail them with everything. And the wait was over when a lady doctor came out undoing her mask. She looked up to them in a non friendly way and didn’t want any of her upcoming words to go unnoticed. They established a tough connection between each other’s eyes and then she said,”The frenzy she is in is not good. She needs a break. It’s dangerous for both of them”.
Everything was understood and well unless they heard her last part of the sentence, “Both of them”, now what was that supposed to be? Several question marks haloed their heads and good news knocked the wrong door. Malini was pregnant herself. The moment was blithesome, blessed and undoubtedly a boon for any woman but not for a 33 year old spinster who is shattered to a limit from where her integration is turning out to be impossible.
Who out of the two had the courage to tell her? Rehearsing the scene even 1000 times won’t give them the audacity to walk up to her and tell the unfortunate mother that her child will grow without the name of his actual father. Who had the guts to go and tell her that despite being a sex toy for Sahil she now possesses a part of him that will never let her get over him but to want him even more than before? Well, like earth has to face the rains with no options to close eyes, like rainbow is out of options for a color change, like the sun has no options to switch off during the day, the same way Malini had to know about the boon (or the curse that was left for her to decide).
She was brought home. She was at ease. The disturbed landscape of her house was tidied to better by the other two ladies. Now the house smelled better. That was the right time to shoot.
“Mal, you have to hold our hands while we tell you this”, Venasa initiated
“Yes Malini. Remember you are a tough woman, a lady of metal, a lady who has been inspiring 100’s of others to lead a happy and satisfied life no matter how much pain they were through. I remember once you quoted Sir Washington Iring, “There is in every true woman's heart, a spark of heavenly fire, which lies dormant in the broad daylight of prosperity, but which kindles up and beams and blazes in the dark hour of adversity.” It’s the time Mal you fearlessly face the reality. You are pregnant.”
The last words of Sambhavta drilled into her ears and she stood up straight within a second.
“What did you just say?”, she was amazed at Sambhavta’s hilarious attempt of humor. But then her own life turned out to be a joke for her after she realized the truth.
How painful it is for a tree to let go off an unripe fruit which needed more nourishment, how unfair it is to blame the sound when the hands that clapped were yours, how insane it is not to believe that deeds pay back and how in a fraction of second Malini realized that keeping an affair with a married man can possibly result to this and also that the wrong she had been knowingly doing to an innocent has been replied to her by GOD in an other but in a more painful way?
As if every minute dilated to an hour and every second to a minute. She was caught up in the moment and the trauma caused her activities to cease, to end up to a big zero. She became as cold as the ice and curled into a baggage.
As you sow, so shall you reap?
No one could explain it to her that inspite of conceivably using all the known devices employed to avoid pregnancy when she completely gave herself to him, how did this happen.
Venasa had something to say, may be something that left Sambhavta’s argument incomplete.
“You are HIV+…”
Crushing her knees with her fingers, gripping around her bent legs Malini finally fragmented into unidentifiable flakes.
A woman is scrupulous towards her true love. A woman is rigid when she makes up her mind. A woman is the most desirable mixture of virtues. But how a woman is so stupid to fall for a man who is already married, who is already ditching another woman and who can also ditch her for another in near future?
Was this Malini’s worst luck that had hit her or really she was starting to pay back to God?
She remained cold for another 30 minutes. Neither Venasa nor Sambhavta tried to interfere her measurement of thoughts.
After a long killing silence Malini made a word, ”Am happy”.
She smiled and asked the gals to stay over if they wished to. She took a shower and went to a relieved sleep. Her wrinkles eased, her eyebrows found a plain and her smile widened as she relaxed. Venasa and Sambhavta were confused at this behavior and were bound to stay over.
A few weeks passed. Malini regained control. She was a single mother yet satisfied. But the reason behind this happiness was still under question. What was on her mind? Did she chose to live single and to fight back death and leave her child to a pitiable destiny?
5 weeks after THE day…
“Yeah…did you get it right? It is 6/34 Saraswati Villa, Spark Road..yeah..yeah. We need the ambulance as fast as it can. No…No there is no motion. Yes…”
The phone disconnected and left Venasa and Sambhavta to wait for the ambulance to arrive. A regular Saturday evening which was tossed off to life and fun by the band of ladies at a country club was all set to be enjoyed when again Malini’s phone blanked out. Venasa and Sambhavta ended up at her door when her doorbell went unattended for over 10 minutes. Seeking the help of some neighbors they unlocked it or rather broke it. And they couldn’t believe their eyes. Malini lying on the carpet shivering and with a foaming mouth it was clear that it was her 4rth attempt.
Randomly one of them called 102.
By the time ambulance arrived, Malinis pupil dilated. After a quick examination they declared that she rested in peace and what she really did.
Malini a poet by profession lost it and said it in her own words.
“You were a fantasy, a desire to be,
My heart my love a fire to be,
I cheated her, you cheated me,
This agony has somewhere heated me,
To melt down to death, This is meant to be,
I regret, Like a current to be,
Passed on to my heart from your,
But believe me my love was pure”
A friend in need is a friend indeed. Venasa and Sambhavta turned up to MY DOORSTEP with the story and the truth was fairly evident in their eyes. Though Malini never asked her Ven and Sam to do that, but it would have been unjust if they didn't have. Though Malini was wrong but she was in love and I was in a fool's paradise. Sahil equally deserved what she did. Both of them stood at the ends of a weak chain compelling her to commit suicide and also a MURDER.
I the author of this story, Stuti, who was earlier known as Mrs. Stuti Sahil Shah has regained her identity and I no longer share his name. The word DIVORCE alone cant reflect the factual distance between us. Malini chose death to save a life. So did I, but my death required living.
Now he is lonely and sick. His life is his punishment where he is desolate and companion-less. I think I will be forgiven for this or punished for leaving him in a broken state when he needs me the most. I broke all my vows. Who's hard luck is it? SAHIL, MALINI or STUTI?
Now he is lonely and sick. His life is his punishment where he is desolate and companion-less. I think I will be forgiven for this or punished for leaving him in a broken state when he needs me the most. I broke all my vows. Who's hard luck is it? SAHIL, MALINI or STUTI?
I thank god it wasn’t hard for me to decide.
There is a special place in hell for women who do not help other women.
-Madeleine K. Albright
AM GLAD I DID MY BIT.
